counting my victories

On Wednesday, I decided to treat myself to a cheap and delicious veggie burrito at Taco Time (substitute black beans, hold the sour cream). As I took my first bite into the dry, wheat tortilla and glanced around at my mall rat surroundings, I felt myself squeezed in the arms of unwelcome familiarity.

Nearly three years ago, Gateway's Taco Time was my go-to break haven when I was stuck in the middle of an eight-hour shift, cash-strapped and doing my best to get other people to buy all the things I wanted so badly at Anthropologie but personally couldn't afford. Here I was again. I take two step forward; I take two steps back.

Earlier that day, I had come to the office, only to find that my first-ever story was published in the Tribune--even teased on the home page. Victory at last! This is what I had been waiting (and doing grunt work) for. Right?

Well, the irony of it all came down to a three-dollar meal with hard rice and bad salsa: Shouldn't I have upgraded to Z Tejas or The Dodo by now? There I was, three years after my sartorial selling career: degree under belt, internships carried out, full-time editor position completed, bylines in five local publications --a dream come true!--but still pulling down the same can-only-afford Taco Time wages. And Anthropologie? Let's not even go there. I had even given up my killer discount. The getting-there cycle of a would-be writer is vicious. Talk about some mean deja vu.

It is in times like these that one fully gives in to dwelling on "cons"--also called counting your losses. It took some serious effort to turn my attention to the forward-moving strides I've made. Like I said, I have, in fact, graduated, secured a position in a practically impossible field, and found that some local editors think I'm pretty OK at what I do. Yes, I am patting myself on the back but that's what I need right now.

As such, the pros and cons have weighed in, and here is the loss/win report for the week of Oct. 30-Nov. 3, 2006:

Losses:

• Made one batch of terrible pumpkin cookies, after going back to the store to get crucial pumpkin ingredient only to upset stressed-out, tired, starving husband when hadn't even started making dinner and wouldn't go out.
• House is (still) under construction.
• Beloved free wireless connection became security-enabled, thus making it difficult to complete work, respond to e-mails and update blog which....
• After opening on Mom's computer, discovered was PEACH-themed rather than the cute, '80s-inspired, PINK-on-gray look desired; actually more suited to Nan Sibbett.
• Discovered two favorite bad shows, "The OC" and "Grey's Anatomy," play on the same night at the same time.

Wins:

• Made one batch of really good pumpkin cookies. (Mom helped with the frosting, this time, but they came from the same batter. Go figure.)
• Took broken iPod in only to have it replaced with a brand-new one.
• As aformentioned, had first story printed in pretty big newspaper.
• Am gaining ground with other bylines in said newspaper.
• Made perfect white chicken chili on Halloween and enjoyed watching "Halloween Resurrection."
• Zack just called to say he hooked us up with a sweet wireless connection.
• Discovered two favorite bad shows, "The OC" and "Grey's Anatomy" play on the same night, and DVR allows you to record two shows at once.

The outcome: The victories always win. They have to.